The legal definition is non consensual sexual penetration or performance of a sex act of an unwilling individual’s oral, anal, or vaginal cavities, or other body part. That’s what the law says. This is what the courts use when determining whether or not one should be accused of such an action, and consequently, if another warrants the term “victim.” This definition tells us what exactly constitutes the occurrence of a rape, plainly and simply.

The definition clear, concise, and dry—as all good explanations should be.

The other evening I was privy to a rather fascinating conversation between a few men. They were discussing sports—football I believe—and one of the living, breathing, natural resource consuming members of the conversation referred to a win by a certain team as a rape. Upset by his words, I interrupted the conversation and said in the most scholarly manner, “dude, you can’t fucking say that a sports team raped another sports team. That’s not how rape works.” To which he responded,

“But that’s what they did. They raped them.”

I will make sure not to include my bias against this young gentleman by telling you that he smirked condescendingly at me from his proverbial high horse nicknamed WASP. I dare not discredit my information dissemination ethics code by including the minor detail that earlier in the evening he expressed his unbridled opinion that world leaders should exclusively be proud owners of a Y chromosome. I shan’t tell you such things because they do not contain any relevance to the point I am trying to make. See, people make this senseless comparison all the time—of instances of domination to rape.

“That test raped me.”

“I just raped that other player [in this video game].”

“We raped the other school’s team.”

Indeed, these comments are accurate but only in the idea that rape is not about sex but about power and control. Still— it is important to note that losing a football game is nothing like getting raped.

The aforementioned definition illustrates an interaction between two human actors: the unwilling victim and the rapist. It captures a moment in time, that being the execution of volitional power and control over another person. What that definition does not include is the result of the crime, only the action. In a crime of stolen property, the result is lost belongings. In a crime of murder, the result is a loss of life. In a crime of violence, the result is injury. So despite the fact that we have a very clear definition of what rape is, we have such a problem with it. Rape as a general topic has become a subject of controversy, with people taking polarizing sides of an argument that really isn’t even an argument to begin with. But, for clarity’s sake, I can offer some guidance that will hopefully exfoliate this idea that has been buried by layers of misinformation, human statistical interpretation error, and stupidity. This idea of rape. This idea of who/what/when/where/why/how rape. This idea of the extension of the action—of rape.

So maybe it’s the loss of a football game. If that football game is a sense of human dignity and worth. If that football game is a sense of jurisdiction of one’s own body. If that football game is the idea that the body in which one lives is inherently unsafe because others may exercise control over it at will.

What happens is that kissing becomes scary. What used to be the fantasy of a little girl who took up running around her neighborhood so that she could impress her crush during the President’s Physical Fitness Test, leaves a bad taste in her mouth. She knows what happens when the kissing starts, and it has nothing to do with what she wants. So she avoids it completely.

Or maybe she grows quick to take off her pants. And she doesn’t know if it’s because she likes to or not. But sometimes she finds herself floating on the ceiling, watching two people intertwined, one earnestly trying to please despite paralytic ecstacy, the other with eyes closed, lifeless, traveling through space and time to a place of panic, and horror, and numb.

Regardless, her body is not her own. Or least that’s how she feels. It is her dignity’s dowry and must be kept accordingly decent. Still that body is chronically failing her. It is too small or too big. It is overexposed or matronly. She is either lazy and neglectful or vain and narcissistic. It is emotionally volatile or a stone cold bitch.

Or if this body is a man’s, it must not have happened. Because that can’t happen! Or he is gay. Or he is lying. Or he is a pussy. Or he should’ve protected himself, even if he was a kid. Or he is being ridiculous because all men love sex all the time. And he must exert his masculinity ferociously. He might want to cry, but is certainly not allowed to. Because boys don’t cry. He learned that playing football.

Experiences may vary, but trauma is invariably a bio-psycho-social terrorist. Revisiting the event and dissecting what happened, when and why, and who asked for what, is like going over the plays and trying to win a football game that ended three days ago. Except if one team had no offense and no defense and didn’t want to play the game in the first place.

When we use rape to describe losing a video game or failing a test, we are implying that rape is a situation in which someone has the opportunity to not get raped. For a test, there are avenues to take that guarantee a passing grade. Yes it is true that women can wear date-rape-proof nail polish, not walk outside late at night, and be wary of men who buy them drinks. But these are all actions women take to prevent something that someone else decides to do to them. With a test, or a football game, or a video game, one elects to engage in activity, likely recreational and not a largely universal activity, and then works toward a goal using precaution and preparation.

It is unacceptable that a goal can be to not get raped.

I hope that when I leave my house tomorrow a bird doesn’t shit on my head. I can wear a hat or use an umbrella, but birds are going to shit. Are you going to tell me that it is my fault if a bird shits on my head?

All birds have to shit, but no person has to rape. That’s the thing. It is all very simple. If people stop raping, nobody will get raped.

So the argument that women should learn from their mistakes or stop asking for it or stop ‘crying rape’ or do anything else to take responsibility for being violated is a dumb one. Of course every human should do what they can to be safe, but that is a different topic. The way to end rape is if people stop raping.