In an age where information, legitimate or not, is spread globally with the touch of a digital button, it is important to acknowledge some fundamental and objective truths. Furthermore, it is thus exceedingly crucial that we establish and then promote these truths to maintain any sort of social structure. One such truth that carries significant weight while also being inconvertibly certain is this: women are not funny.

Firstly, we should examine the female anatomy and physiology as a means to better our foundational understanding of why women are not funny. I spent some time googling what we know about the female anatomy and I found a lot of great information from politicians who have done a lot of work across the country explaining how my lady parts work. Here’s what I learned: we all know that females have an excess of hormones, but not all of us know that uterus hormones complicate an ability to form a sense of humor. It is these uterus hormones that make women so sensitive and volatile. Essentially, the uterus is to blame here. Women’s uteruses have such and influx of hormones that make them utterly insane, and even incapable of understanding humor. Fundamentally, women have a harder time with humor because uterus hormones are so frequently causing irrational outbursts of tears or fits of anger. More so, every month women experience such a saturation of these female uterus hormones that worsens their sense of humor tenfold. I can tell you this from my own personal experience: one time in high school when my body was doing those lady things I mentioned, someone was being really funny by pointing out my lack of friends. Unfortunately I cried when I guess I was supposed to laugh. Luckily he figured I was probably just on the rag, and he was right. He must have understood this about women because he asked me if I was on my period when I started crying. The humor was lost on me, primarily in thanks to my uterus. [To anyone who is unfamiliar with this lady business I mention here, it is essentially what goes on in the female reproductive system when it is not carrying a fetus. Possibly too graphic to discuss here.]

This brings me to my next point—the female cannot tolerate any sort of teasing in jest. Women are far too easily humiliated and take things very personally. I knew a girl who was called “thunder thighs” one day in middle school by some 8^th grade boys and all she did for the rest of the day was cry. Because of my womanhood I cannot fully appreciate the humor in this nickname, but I assume it is funny because it is alliterative and creative while also poking fun at the female form. What this girl probably didn’t understand was that the funny 8^th grade boys were not actually teasing her, they were merely making fun at the objectivity of her body.

Women cannot handle similar jokes like the aforementioned because they take themselves far too seriously. Like I mentioned earlier, such humor is typically directed not at a female’s personhood, but her mere physicality. It is just her body folks! Women, for some reason, simply are against detaching from the ownership of their bodies. Part of the problem may be due to the fact that politicians and the judicial system are always taking such serious positions on the matter of a woman’s “right to her body,” so it is indeed possible that women don’t even know how to make the switch to understanding objectification humorously. Women are actually very sensitive when it comes to this type of humor. Jokes that capitalize on the flaws of a female body tend to have an adverse effect on women; they tend to get very uncomfortable and offended. For example, if someone jokes about a woman’s breasts being too large or small, instead of laughing she will just get really insecure even though she could easily fix this flaw by breast augmentation or reduction. The same goes for stomachs, thighs, arms, hair, faces, etc. If a woman doesn’t want to be offended by humor, she can just work out more, eat less, buy makeup, get her hair done, and undergo plastic surgery.

Another issue with a woman’s inability to be funny and understand humor is the whole issue of feminism, and because all feminists are women, it is a double whammy. During the climax of the women’s suffrage movement in the early 20^th century, women were relentlessly picketing, fighting, and protesting tirelessly for their right to vote. Have you ever seen civil rights activists laughing?  Probably not. Feminists cannot understand humor because they are preoccupied with explicit and covert oppression of women. They are so often brooding online about the wage gap that they cannot see the humor in the fact that men make around 30% more money than women. According to funny men I have encountered, women’s oppression is a milking cow for jokes. Though as a feminist I am rendered incapable of understanding humor, I know from spending time with males that these jokes get a lot of laughs. Some of these jokes are sometimes so creatively constructed that they combine oppression with objectification. Such jokes may poke fun at a high-level businesswoman’s means of getting to her position via sexual favors and sandwich making abilities, thereby using multiple facets of humor.

Now that we are on the subject, feminists are obsessed with the objectification of women’s bodies, but can’t seem to understand the humor in it. For example, feminists won’t shut up about rape. Rape, in case you didn’t know, is when another person, typically a male, asserts his power, control, and ownership over another person’s body, typically a female’s. This action, though invariably emotionally and physically scarring to the victim, is often used in comedy material. People will use rape to humorously address video games, sports, schoolwork, and other women. This is when I especially notice my incapacity for humor as I become personally offended in the instance of a rape joke, probably due to my biological hysteria (uterus hormones) and a dash of post-traumatic stress. But I am not alone here—other feminists go up in arms when someone makes a rape joke. Plus, if a woman in the vicinity of this joke is in the middle of “that time of the month,” she will probably be doubly unable to understand the humor here because of her crazy uterus hormones.

Despite the fact that women are not biologically predisposed to not be funny, some women decide to be comedians and comedy writers. Presumably these women are not conventionally pretty enough to be legitimate actresses. Nonetheless, they do their best even though the comedy industry is obviously monopolized by men. Television networks with successful late night shows only hire male comedians as hosts because the likes of Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Seth Meyers, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, and Conan O’Brien would essentially be degraded if a woman were to host a nighttime talk show. Women like Jenny Slate, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Lizz Winstead, Sarah Silverman, Wanda Sykes, Chelsea Peretti, Chelsea Handler, Kristen Wiig, Ellen DeGeneres, Mindy Kaling, Amy Schumer, or Whoopi Goldberg could never be as hilarious or beloved as one Mr. Jay Leno. This is because successful comics that have escaped the margins of the industry and garnered a place in mainstream pop culture will have achieved celebrity due to the fact that their humor focuses on ideas that only men can use as material.

For example: political comic Jon Stewart uses news and politics to make people laugh on his show The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Women are not really supposed to engage in politics because it is a man’s world and they mustn’t adulterate democracy with their hormonal chaos. Though Stewart employs female writers on his show, it is unlikely that they will ever host their own shows like Stephen Colbert or John Oliver, two previous Daily Show writers, because people wouldn’t find a political humor show funny if it were hosted by a woman.

Another famous comedian you may have heard of is Louis C. K.  Louis C. K.’s comedy features issues relating to sex, how hard parenting is, aging, and being gross. You see, women really are not funny when they talk about sex because it is not demure or ladylike. Plus, how can women joke about sex when we aren’t even supposed to admit we like it? As far as difficult parenting goes, women have no personal experience to draw from in terms of comedy. They simply cannot relate to it. A woman’s purpose is to bear children and therefore all women are naturally gifted mothers. If a woman is not good at motherhood, it is more concerning than funny and we should inflict all sorts of judgment upon her. If a woman doesn’t want to become a mother she is probably having uterus hormone problems. Also a woman must never share her age, so that topic is off limits. And grossness? That is a huge no-no. Louis C. K. is allowed to talk about the sweaty, smelly mess that is his scrotum and penis all bunched up in his pants, too tight from bloating and weight gain, because it is hilarious. But nobody wants to hear about lady parts. Unless a comedian is describing his sexual encounters with female sex organs and/or giving them funny nicknames. Furthermore, Louis C. K. makes a lot of people laugh by discussing his body fat. He seems to be generally okay with his weight as it is despite the fact that his material on his body is self-deprecating. Women would not be able to employ body humor because nothing is more offensive than when a woman is okay with, or even proud of, her body. It is far more socially acceptable for women to torture themselves in pursuit of thinness, and further, parading around with self-acceptance just makes men uncomfortable.

In case you are a woman reading this and your uterus is releasing those hormones that make you angry or sad or offended, remember this: women aren’t funny because they don’t need to be. Whereas men use humor to attract sexual partners and inflate self esteem, women use their appearance to attract partners and establish self esteem. You needn’t worry about your inherent inability to make people laugh because if you are doing it right, your physical appearance should be a veritable substitute. Think of all of the benefits this fact bestows upon us women! We do not have to engage in any sort of academic inquiry that will enable us to cultivate wit that is both fulfilling and engaging to those around us. We only have to be pretty. It is not important that we are politically savvy and aware of our world while also being able to find humor in democratic dysfunction. We only have to be skinny! Though I do concede, challenging our biological predispositions to certain body shapes and sizes in favor of an idolized figure can be difficult and even life threatening… at least nobody expects us to be funny.

I just wish I could have told Chelsea Peretti she didn’t have to do that Netflix special and explained to Megan Amram that she wasted her time writing that book. I wish I were able to tell both of these women they didn’t need to exhaust their efforts in writing those episodes of Parks & Rec. I feel terribly that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler spent all that time studying improv only to be sucked in to hosting The Golden Globes no less than three years in a row. More so, if Amy hadn’t created her show, she wouldn’t have perpetuated Chelsea and Megan’s delusions of comedic grandeur! We should all stand up and tell Mindy Kaling that she doesn’t need to have her own show anymore, and she didn’t have to degrade her femininity by writing for The Office. Somebody should tell Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph that they are pretty enough to drop this whole writing, acting, talent, and humor thing. But oh god we really fucked up with Betty White. All of these misguided women can just stop now and focus on what really matters! Tight butts and blowjobbing! All women deserve to know the truth: although our fundamental rights and human dignity may be a joke, women are not, and never will be, funny.